Invading the Personal Space of Young People

The following was submitted to my website by Jessica M. from Ireland. I have a space there for people to share their stories of adultism. (please visit it at: margaretpevec.com/adultism)

An example of adultism I experienced and still feel strongly about is physical touch. As a child I remember adults seemed to think it was okay to openly touch me, hug me, or play with my hair, even if I didn't know them. I think the assumption was that if you're young, you don't understand boundaries, so they don't have to worry about overstepping boundaries with a young person. I have mild Asperger's symptoms and one of them is a strong aversion to touch. Being a child at the time, I didn't really know how to handle the behaviour except by recoiling or saying loudly and defiantly "I don't like being touched!" I was called "rude" and told they were just being friendly; that the appropriate response was to smile politely. I find that ironic, since if anyone behaved like that to an adult, it would be the person doing the touching who would be called rude and the adult would be quite within their rights to refuse the unwanted touch. Yet because I was a child I was expected to tolerate the behaviour and smile about it. My mother, to her credit, explained that it was okay to refuse physical touch but that I should do it in a calm and polite way, such as "Excuse me but I don't like being touched unless it's by someone I know well."

I also had teachers at school behave in this overly familiar way. They would casually take hold of my arm or even mess with my hair, and would act very shocked and concerned when I refused their touching. At one school there was actually a list of students' rights, one of them being "to refuse unwanted touches." Yet they didn't like it if I said I didn't like being touched and acted as if I were being rude just for asserting basic boundaries.

I still feel angry when recalling these incidents. They were the adults, I was the child, yet I was the one expected to tolerate their inappropriate behaviour, because they were adults therefore it was okay.

Consider the Past

I think it's important to remember that teens, like adults, come in a wide range of competencies and that those competencies are influenced a great deal by the culture. I'm reading "The Greatest Generation" by Tom Brokaw, and realizing (again) the amazing competency of my parents' generation, many of whom went to war or stepped up to other enormous challenges as teenagers. The word "teenager" wasn't even in common usage until sometime after 1938; there were children and adults, and adulthood happened no later than 18 for most people.

I think if school was structured such that adolescents could spend most of their time doing meaningful, important community work; if they felt their opinions mattered to society and were included in all decisions; if they had the freedom and encouragement to find compelling work we would view teenagers in a completely different way.

A recent comment to a blog I read regularly said, "Adolescent bodies, social instincts, and emotions develop way faster than their ability to envision realistic consequences or incorporate abstractions (like value systems) into their decision-making processes." I know plenty of teenagers with a fine ability to envision realistic consequences. And most children have great value systems, if adults would care to inquire, and leave their superior attitude at the door.

My point is the adults control the culture and largely define what we will and will not allow adolescents to do and learn. You just have to think back to WWII to know that's true. Sexuality education is a good example. Arming young people with comprehensive information that includes not only the physiology but the psychology of sex and relationships with concrete strategies to deal with the complexities of relationship that we all, especially teenagers, encounter on a daily basis, would go a long way toward supporting them to adulthood.